Tuesday, October 28, 2014

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100 Things - stolen from This Is CoprGoth

I saw this on one of my favorite blogs, This is CorpGoth, and I couldn't help myself.  I love these.

Bold the ones you've done
* the ones you'd like to

1. Started your own blog – Yup yup and I am back and raring to go
2. Slept under the stars – a fond memory even though it involved a river of rats in Union Square park
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii *
5. Watched a meteor shower *
6. Given more than you can afford to charity – I miss doing this. 
7. Been to Disneyland *
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis – yikes!  I keep finding them on my windows.  Bleh
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris *
13. Watched a lightning storm – every chance I get
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch – is cooking and sewing an art?
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty*
18. Grown your own vegetables *
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France *
20. Slept on an overnight train – I used to take AmTrak from Canada to NYC a lot as a kid.  I want my kids to have the experience too someday.  It’s so romantic.  I know my stepdaughter would love it.
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon *
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice *
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise – does the Circle Line in NYC count?  I don’t think so this is a * as well
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person *
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community – Amish store in Ft. City is amazing!!  The cheese selection is ridiculous.  I should go back soon
36. Taught yourself a new language*
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied*
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person*
39. Gone rock climbing*
40. Seen Michelangelo's David *
41. Sung karaoke*
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt*
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant*
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance – Ugh..  a few times the “Year of the Panic Attacks”
47. Had your portrait painted*
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person*
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China*
57. Started a business*
58. Taken a martial arts class*
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen*
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching*
63. Got/gave flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check – not proud of it but shit happens
68. Flown in a helicopter  
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt*
73. Stood in Times Square – many many times
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone -- wrist
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person*
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car*
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury – can’t.  Too Canadian
91. Met someone famous – mostly musicians
92. Joined a book club*
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby – many many babies
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit – always seem to be in court
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee – first time ever was when I accidentally found a hive and got stung 5 times.
100. Read an entire book in one day

I'm glad I did this.  It made me see there's still tons of stuff I want to do with my life.  I have a tendency of obsessing over huge future goals and ignoring smaller, more fllfilling, goals. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

I don't wanna grow up

I'm in my 30's..  I should have my shit together, right?  I wish I had a clue.

So I've been in a funk, hence the decrease in blog posts.  I'm not going to give it up but I couldn't find anything to share.  I was too stuck wallowing in my own self pity.

I wrecked my car...  Not that it was an impressive vehicle (used 2007 Ford Taurus) but it was mine and it's integral to my existence.  I don't know if I can legally go into details but I can say no one was hurt except my ego.

I've been trying to be supermom since I became a mom 14 years ago.  I want to be everything to everyone.  I have tried so hard and failed so much.  I've learned recently I can't be the perfect wife, mother, student and employee at the same time.  I have been unable to make everyone happy at the same time.  It was devastating. 

I'm a perfectionist and my happiness relies on everyone around me being happy.  Well, I can't do that anymore.  I have to step back and let life happen, loosen the reins a bit.  What is important?

That is where I have been.  I started meditating again.  It has helped get some sleep.  I haven't been able to sleep properly since I went to 3rd shift.  Now, I can't sleep because I have a new little one to care for.  I'm soooo tired all of the time. 

Guided meditations are the best answer for me.  If left to my own devices with some "ooohmmm"-y music and a dark room, I will never be able to quiet my own mind.  But with someone else telling me what to think and visualize, I'm able to be in the moment.  I can focus and let go of all the crap I have going on in my head.  I usually drift off to sleep and wake up so refreshed and relaxed. 

I'm starting to realize, life will never be how I want it to be.  For me, I need to focus on now and my children.  It hit me so hard this year.  My oldest, Vek, went into high school.  Lil, 13, is 13...  Boo, 11, will be in middle school soon.  Zill, 5, just went into kindergarten.  And Baby Chomp arrived this year...  Too many life events!!  Instead of enjoying my time with them, I've been freaking out; on the verge of a panic attack.

What for?  Panic attacks were the only way my body could tell me to stop, just stop.  I can't fix everything in my life and my family's lives so I have to just stop thinking I can.  I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.  I'm obese.  I'm not happy.  I don't want to deal with any of those things.  Being grown up sucks so badly.

I am where I am because that is the path I am ready for.  I have to make major changes to get on the path I want to be on. 

I've become more calm.  I've become more present.  I notice the kids are happier and less stressed because of it.  That makes it all worthwhile.

One step at a time.  I will make it through this year and the next.  I'll dig myself out of this hole but I won't make that my main focus in life.  These guys are.  Before I realize it, they will be gone and I want them to have awesome memories of growing up. 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Black and White - Sophistique Noir's October Theme

Black and White is the theme for this month. I went with a photo I found while perusing my flashdrive the other day.

This is a picture of one of my favorite local cemeteries, Goshen Cemetery, in Richmond, Indiana. I don’t quite believe in the “orb” hype. I think they can be explained. But this picture is spooky and beautiful. It reminds me of the good times. I would like to go back some day. The people that care for it now are vigilant about visitors at night, though, so who knows when I’ll go back.

Before the baby came along and life happened, my favorite thing to do was go ghost hunting. There is something so exciting about roaming around dark graveyards at night. Goshen is an adorable little roadside graveyard on a highway heading north out of my town. It’s convenient and always delivers. It was the first place I ever investigated.

My favorite experience was one night I went out there with a friend. I was upset about a disagreement I had earlier with my now husband. My friend thought it would be a good idea to swing by our favorite haunt (punny!) to cheer me up. A good scare always made me feel better. We were visiting a few of our favorite graves and we started to head towards the children’s section which is behind a line of trees in the back corner. We both stopped because we heard the distinct jingle of my husband’s keys. He always wears his keys on his belt loops. We figured he knew we were headed out there and decided to scare us or join us. I called out to him. Nothing. She called out to him. Nothing… The jingling stopped and we shined our flashlights in the area where the jingling sounded but no one was there.

We figured it was time to go. We went to say goodbye to the babies and the jingling started again. It was definitely someone walking with keys. My friend knows the people who live there and care for the place. She told them we would be out there so they wouldn’t come and make us leave. We knew it was not them. There were no other cars that stopped there. We were definitely alone. At least we hoped we were. We made a mad dash for the car, jumped in, and locked the doors. Because locked doors will keep out a ghost, right? Lol After we caught our breath, we drove through the whole cemetery and saw nothing and no one.

When I got home, I asked my now husband if he had gone out there and somehow hid from us. He said no. I still get chills thinking about being stalked in a graveyard. I’m glad I wasn’t alone though.

If you search for “Goshen Cemetery Haunted”, you will find tons of links of other people’s experiences.